Add Dimensions to Your Relationships Beyond Words

Any good designer will tell you that the key to creating a warm, comfortable room is by adding layers of variation in texture. It's what makes the space interesting. It creates depth. It adds dimensions to your home.

As a matchmaker, I think the same applies to relationships.

Love is a powerful emotion that can be conveyed much deeply through our actions and the little things we do. Add "variation in texture" to your relationship by showing how much the person in your life means to you. Go a step beyond saying the three little words. Remember the song that was playing when you first kissed. Leave love notes on their pillow when you will be away from home.

That same thought, don't get blindsided by someone who says the right words but their actions tell a different story. A guy who tells his girlfriend that he wants to spend more time with her and disappears every weekend to hit the links may not be the ideal mate.

Behavior has to add up. It will reveal a lot.

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A Second Date? How to Handle the End of Your First Date

The dinner is done. The tab has been split. The after-dinner mint consumed. Now what? Do you ask for a second date or let the moment pass? Well, to be frank, this is the part of the date that everyone hates.

Let Them Down Gently
If you're not interested in seeing them again, it's important to be straightforward. If the person isn't right for you, then it's better to deal with it head on right now than have it drag out over several emails, texts and IMs. Most people appreciate it when you speak your mind, but make sure you don't just dump your feelings on them. Be responsible and be kind. Don't make false promises about what may come next if you're not into it. Just thank them for a lovely evening and go your separate ways.

 Five Things to Say If You're Not Interested: 
1) "Best of luck and I hope you have fun on your future dates. Thanks again."
2) "I can see us becoming friends. I'd like to invite you to my next party."
3) "I had a good time but I don't think we have that much in common."
4) "I have a friend you might like, can I give him/her your number?"
5) "I feel the chemistry just isn't quite right between us." (Implies that it is a mutual thing.)

 Asking For Another Date If you've had a good time and you really like them, what do you need to do to seal the deal? Don't be afraid to say so. Be as enthusiastic as you feel. Say, "I had a great time and I'd love to do it again soon." Then hand them one of your business cards. The ball is in their court and they'll call if they are interested. If you receive a card, I recommend calling the next day to say thank you or indicate you would like to go on another date. 

Five Things to Say If You ARE Interested: 1) "I had a great time. Would you like to get together again soon?"
2) "Would you be interested in dinner next time?"
 3) "This was a great lunch. I'd like to get to know you better."
4) "I'm going hiking on Sunday and would love for you to join me."
5) "Now that the hard part is out of the way, are you interested in going out again."

 In the end, honesty is the best policy. Treat the other person as you would want to be treated.

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To Date or Not to Date Outside Your Profession: Pros & Cons

Do you or someone you know base your dating preferences on a person's profession or career? If you've ever wondered what it would be like to date professionals within your field or outside your industry, then this is the blog post for you.

After polling more than 4,000 singles, It's Just Lunch discovered that nearly 70% of professional singles preferred dating someone outside their industry completely rather than dating someone in a similar profession or position as themselves (10%), or someone with different position but in a similar line of work (10%), or someone in the same industry regardless of title or profession (10%).

Despite the fact that more than 2,800 singles agreed they’d prefer dating someone in a completely different industry than themselves, every relationship comes with its own unique set of challenges relative to the two people in a relationship together.

In Your Same Field of Expertise
Dating someone in the same profession can be a lot of fun, granted. It can bring the two of you together in an intimately close way that wouldn't be possible had you been working in completely different fields. You are able to share the same frustrations, the same work woes and you might even have quite a few colleagues in common. However, the novelty of it all may wear out sooner rather than later if you don’t have anything else in common besides your job. It will feel like your are surrounded by the office, even when you are no where near it.

This can also lead to unhealthy competition, especially if even just one of you is the really competitive type. You might find yourselves in a secret contest over who can outdo each other or get promoted faster within their respective organization. This can ultimately lead to heated arguments based from  feelings of insecurity and unchecked resentment.

Dating Outside Your Profession
On the flip side, dating someone who works in a very different field can be just as exhilarating, giving you a glimpse into a whole new world outside your realm. A real estate agent dating someone in law enforcement is going to see that profession in a whole new light just like a marketing executive dating someone in the medical field is going to see health field from a very unique perspective. From this perspective, you’d feel like as an outsider looking in, but through the lens of an insider.

Dating someone in a different industry can bring fresh and new conversation to the table, creating a more interesting and stimulating dialogue. While sharing different careers can make things exciting, it can also be hard to understand where your partner is coming from at times, especially when you know so little about her field of work making it all the more challenging to relate to her and help her with frustrations at work. This can create a lot of misunderstandings if neither party feels comfortable communicating their needs to each other.

The key takeaway here is that any relationship can work with if you have the ability to empathize with your partner and put yourself in their shoes, even if only for a moment in time. The more you communicate how you really feel about this here or that there to your partner, the easier it will become to understand where each of you are coming from during moments of potential or actual conflict.


Remember, your career is just a small part of what makes you unique. Don't boil your relationship down to just one aspect of it.

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How Dating is Like Hiring an Employee

I recently read an article on Forbes.com, entitled "Four Ways to Improve Your Hiring Process," and couldn't help thinking how it related to dating.

In a company, the hiring process is the most important strategic element of a company because "every new employee will either improve the organization or lower it -- and managers should be seeking and hiring employees who will enable the company to grow and become more profitable."

In dating, the first few dates is the most important part of the process. This is where you determine if you want to see the person again, if the chemistry is there. This is also where you look to see if the other person is someone who will help you grow, develop and push you to be the best you can be.

The four tips included in the article are:

• Skip the "magic bullet" questions
• Clearly define the position and what it takes to be successful
• Test candidates
• Include others in the hiring (dating) process

SKIP THE MAGIC BULLET QUESTIONS (or Focus On The Person)
 While outlandish questions (what if . . .) have their place and can be playful, focus on getting to know the person and what they value. Listen to what is important to them, even if you have no interest in gardening. It will save you time in the long run.

CLEARLY DEFINE THE POSITION (or Know What You Want)
What are you looking for? Are you looking for a long-term commitment? Tennis game companion? Knowing what you want and your dealbreakers (religion? smoking? children?) will give you a roadmap for evaluating the current "candidate" and comparing him with future ones.

TEST CANDIDATES (or Call Them On Their BS)
Anyone who has created an online profile knows that certain things like age, weight, height, likes, dislikes and even location can be fudged a bit. I'm not encouraging you to be completely skeptic but don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Its by peeling away the layers that we are able to find those partners that stand out.

INCLUDE OTHERS
Emotions, beers and circumstances have a way of clouding our judgment on a potential partner. Before getting exclusive, bring your buddies in on the decision. Get their perspective. The best candidates are those that get a thumbs up from your support network.  Those additional perspectives greatly increase the odds of finding the best candidates.
This may sound like it takes the romance out of the process, but a bit of preplanning can save you a lot of heartache in the end.

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The Unexpected Twists of Being an Older Single

Often times, midlife singles jumping into (or back into) the dating scene can feel a bit panicky. It's like the hourglass has shifted and time is running out to find the one. They, at first, feel like they are too old to be dating and yet to young to be alone for the rest of their lives.

These contradictory feelings of being out of step arise after the breakup of a long relationship or perhaps the grieving process after the death of a loved one. But there are a couple of unexpected twists to being an older single.

Increase in Connections
People often are able to make newer connections or further the ones they have during this time. Other friends are going through divorce, widowed or past the child-bearing years and experience a bit more freedom in their schedules. Coffee dates are squeezed in between yoga and soccer practice schedules. It's a bit more open-ended, easier way of life.

Increase Range of Prospects
According to an article on Psychology Today.com, "in her book Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted, Judith Sills argues that older singles should consider a wider range of prospects, since they're not looking to create a family."

A person doesn't have to share your religion for you aren't raising children together. You shouldn't evaluate a mate based upon whether they are marriage material. Evaluate them on whether you enjoy spending time with them. Are they fun? Do they make you laugh?

Increase in Confidence
You have a few more years of social interactions and connections than you did in your 20s. There's a confidence that comes from interpersonal skills gained from work and in making friends. You know who you are and what it is you want.

Resources:

• Singles: Patterns of Pursuit (How to Shake Up Your Dating Patterns)

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